It Gets Better (in the archives) (a reprise)

Maybe you’ve been wondering where I’ve been the past few months. I’ve been here.

Photo credits:

Panel 1: Nationaal Archief

Panel 2: U.S. National Archives

Panel 3: Anne G

Panel 4: Taber Andrew Bain

Panel 5: State Library of New South Wales

Panel 7: U.S. National Archives

(Click through for the transcription)

I will never forget the first time
you told me, “I’m disappointed in you.”
How I cried, and protested,
“But I worked so HARD!”
How you remained unmoved.

How neatly those words fit into
a growing narrative of shame and self-doubt
playing and replaying inside my head
I preserved all your criticisms this way
letting time and the weaknesses of memory
distort them almost beyond recognition

I hid among the boxes
threw myself into my work
even as I told myself
it wouldn’t matter in the end
The harder I worked,
The worse I felt
Nothing I did
would ever
be good enough

This is what I learned in the archives:
that no individual can understand you out of context
that a single item will define you if you let it
that sometimes, we need to be someplace else
to turn a jumble of experiences
into lessons to be learned from, some never repeated
that we cannot fully appreciate how important our lives are
without stepping away from our work

I wish I could tell you
That it gets better when you leave
But sometimes, the worst bullies
are the ones inside your own head

This is why we keep records:
To remind
To document
To prove
To show
To hold accountable
For others
For ourselves

There are days
when I don’t remember
What it feels like
To be happy
To be productive
To be competent
To be okay
I have only the records
to tell me

It gets better
(but I’m still waiting)

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Tags: it gets better, life